Wal-Mart Sucks

I hate going to walmart. I am terrible at it. I get so distracted by all the shiny wrappers that I forget why I am there and usually end up buying about three times as much stuff as I planned. I wish walmart would implement a shop online-pick up locally deal. We could shop whenever we wanted and add things to our ‘carts’, and then when we were finally ready to go pick up the stuff we just check out online, give the employees some time to gather up all my stuff, then head over to walmart and load up the goods. Perhaps you could even specify a back up or alternative product in case your first choice is, god forbid, out of stock. It’s a brilliant system. Don’t deny it!

Whenever I do go to walmart, I inevitably hate it. But I keep going back. I don’t even know what else is out there. I just go to walmart for everything, like a good Arkansan should. I have to support my friends that work there don’t I? Anyway, there are lots of ways that shopping at walmart could be improved, so I made a list of rules people should follow when shopping at walmart. (with a little help from friends)

1. Always park in the first available spot you see. I hate people who drive around for 10 mins trying to get a spot 200 yards from the door instead of 250 yards from the door.
2. You must get a cart! No matter how many items you plan on buying, get a cart. There is nothing more retarded than somebody walking around with arms full of groceries, clumsily tyring to pile one more item on top before the entire load can bear the weight no longer and comes crashing down right in front of me, whereas, I feel obligated to bend over and help you load yourself back up again.
3. You have to stay on the right hand side of the aisle. Here in America this is how we do things. If you’re at Walmart in Europe then you can use the left hand lane. Be warned, I never back down from a game of chicken!
4. Once you commit to an aisle, there’s no turning around within that aisle. You gotta go all the way to the end. It’s like a one way road. You can just stop and back up and turn around on a way road. Learn how to read… they have these amazing inventions called signs that tell you what items are in what aisles!
5. Get your shit and get out! This ain’t the mall. No one is there to socialize. Say “Hello” and keep the cart rolling.
6. For God’s Sake, pay attention to what you’re doing. If you smack me in the face with your mop handle, I’m going to pull the mop out of your cart and shove it up your ass! If you are blocking the aisle completely oblivious of me trying to go around your fat ass, don’t blame me when I throw a soup can at you to get your attention.
7. Keep your bratty kids in the cart. Next time I see a snot nosed kid running around without parents I’m going to teach them about sex and drugs.
8. Once you’re in the checkout line you can’t leave the checkout line with forfeiting your spot in line. Hell no, I’m not going to wait while you run and grab some gravy. And speaking of checkout lines, if you don’t know how to work the self checkout machine, get the hell out of the way and let those of us that made it past 2nd grade get on with our lives!
9. No making out in walmart. I don’t care… Don’t do it!
10. Don’t ask me any stupid questions or try to engage in chit chat. I don’t really care what you think about the cheese today or how the rain causes cucumbers to grow differently. Do I look like a farmer? Don’t talk to me!

image taken from here